Family First Missions

I didn’t do missions the “normal way” (which I would generically define as get training, join a mission agency, raise money, learn the language, start missions, come back every three or four years). I just went when I could, came back and saved money and then went back when I could.

Because of visa problems, I could normally only stay for 6 months out of the year. In fact, I served in Brazil from 2004-2013 as a single missionary, but the longest amount of time I was away from my parents was 9 months during those 10 years (and in that 9 months both of my parents came to Brazil).

I didn’t realize how much I engrained into my heart what missions was from how I was raised and how my own experience went. I didn’t realize that much of what I believed about missions and how I did it was based on my choices and personality, rather than facts and faith.

I got married to a wonderful third culture kid from Jamaica with completely different ideas about missions. We got pregnant and decided to serve in Brazil—not having visa issues anymore since we had a Brazilian baby. But I still figured missions would be done more of less the same way I had done it before, and Caid was game to try.

My plan was that things would change slowly as the kids grew—returning every year, then returning every other year, and then maybe once every three years when the girls were in grade school. But I didn’t realize what that meant realistically. It means my family will see my children a handful of times for their entire childhood. It means my children will never know what it is like to live life (more than a quick “get it all done”) with their grandparents. I didn’t realize how much it was costing my children, and my extended family: I did not count the cost.

Caid has this gift—he puts family first. It is a really beautiful thing. And to tell the truth, if I had married a man like myself—with the same ministry first mindset—we would have lived a radical world changer, sold out, 100%, unsustainable and unhealthy lifestyle for a family. I would have put missions before my family, and in the end, would have lost EVERYTHING.

It is too easy to think ministry equals following God. Following God may mean ministry. It also may mean not doing ministry to serve your family. If you just try to balance things, it is too easy to explain/justify your motives by saying “Because God called me to do this,” when really, you just don’t want to feel guilty about leaving or not doing whatever has come up. It is important to remember that God has “called you” to ministry, but has also called you, just as importantly, to your family.

Missions (and ministry, and life) doesn’t mean trying to balance your family and your calling and all the things you have planned: it means building a life centered around God, following God, and learning with God.

Balanced is not the same as centered.

We all fall short of always having God as our center (many different times over). I have seen firsthand the costs of putting ministry before family—and of putting family before ministry. Unfortunately, in missions (and ministry in general) it has often been held up as holy sacrifice to God to put ministry before family: and this is a horrible evil. Just ask a lot of third culture kids or preacher kids.

Two takeaways: Going into missions requires a really high cost for your children and your extended family. It isn’t about if or when it will hurt—it will. At the same time, sacrifice and pain do not mean that it is wrong to do so, just that we need to keep centered on Christ to do it correctly.

Lastly, it is impossible to balance missions and family: someone is bound to feel the balance is unfair. We are not called to balance, we are called to center on Christ, and as we walk centered, He will bring and take what He wants to and from your life.