How Marriage Changed Missions for Me
I grew up with a very clear idea of what it meant and looked like to live your life 100% sold out for Christ, from the Bible to missionary biographies to the Foxes book of Martyrs. I went after that vision with all of me that knew how to. Of course I didn’t do a great job, and sometimes I failed miserably, but I continued on a pretty straight trajectory and had some really true moments in my life that felt like I achieved that sold out, 100%, sacrificial vision.
There were times in my life I was living an extreme adventure, and most of the time I felt very sure I was on the path God had for me. That’s what being a missionary meant to me. Then I got married and had kids. I think extreme adventures and situations and lifestyles are not sustainable for someone married with children. At least not the ones that moved me to tears in movies or books or missionary presentations.
Once I got married and had kids, that 100% got invested into my husband’s life, and into two little creatures I needed to make sure didn’t die—and actually thrived instead. It went into making food, creating and cleaning a home, and mostly, that 100% now involves lots, lots, lots of dishes. It was definitely sacrificial, but in a completely different way (1 Cor. 7:28).
To me, it seemed like I went from radical world changer to being a mom that looks and acts like everyone else, and just lives in another country like tons of other expats. We married and both had good intentions, but I tried to continue doing everything exactly how I had done as a single missionary—vicariously through Caid, because I was home with babies. Needless to say, that failed.
So what does it mean to serve in missions if it isn’t this 100%, sold out, nothing else matters, sacrificial vision that I had when I was single? Loosely defined, the 100% focused vision was to leave everything. Live simply. Plan nothing. Plan, plan, plan once you can and go after it with all your might. Tunnel vision. Long workweeks. Late nights. Missed meals. Follow the adventure. Save the world. Fight poverty. Weep with those who weep. Rejoice with those who rejoice. Forget your toothbrush. Pack light. Throw it all out and start over. Live with the people you serve. Know them on their terms. Do things their way. Listen more than talk.
When I got married and had children I figured I just ADDED my husband and kids to my single life plan. My life quickly became a horror show of trying to balance everything and failing, feeling like in the end, I had let everyone down, including myself. What I needed to see was that when I was single, the heart of it all was having God as the center of everything. And that is still the heart now that I am married with kids. It just involves a lot more dishes now.
It means before you change the plans you talk to everyone in the family. It means you stop or leave or change if it is best for any single person in your family. It means you don’t hold on too tightly to what you are doing, because it will change often and frequently with the needs of the rest of your family. It means putting outside ministry on hold for inside the home ministry that needs to happen.
Learning this balance hasn’t been easy, and one of my biggest breakthroughs was realizing it wasn’t about balancing at all: it was about centering. Centering and re-centering on Christ day in and day out. Every time you take your focus off of God as your center you then have to struggle to balance family and missions because they both want to claim the first place in your life (along with whatever else).
When balancing things is your goal, everything is watered down and you feel this pull and push, wondering if it is worth it because it isn’t all 100% anything, and that feels off.
For me, my balancing struggle makes me feel like a total fake. I have this deep, passionate drive to work with those in poverty, and yet, 80% of my life looks like middle class normal USA life. When I am not centered on Christ, I feel like a sell-out. I feel like I am clawing and desperately grabbing for 1 or 2% more of my life to devote to that mission—and everything, including my family—is against it.
This leads down the path of bitterness. Against the mission, against myself, or against my family. It makes me feel like I am failing at being a missionary, and like I am living a life that is a lie to my true self. How do I get to such an ugly place? When Christ isn’t the center.
It turns out the single adventure I had isn’t gone, just changed in practical outcomes. Living life with God as my center is still an adventure, it is still a sacrifice, it is still about 100% following Him. It means when God calls you to sacrifice, or to go, or to change, He will call your family to do so as well. He will meet each person where they need to be met. He will give grace to each person to deal with it. But you cannot control how the rest of your family reacts to God’s calling. And if certain people in your family refuse to obey, then God will show the next step, whatever that looks like.
In some ways, being married with kids and living life with God is much scarier. When it was just me, what God asked me to do only directly affected me (mostly). Married with kids? It instantly affects my family, for better or for worse. Single, I learned how good God was, and how I could trust Him with my life. Married, that trust had to grow ten-fold, and believe that God would not only take care of me, but my family as well. Growing extended trust has not been easy for me.
Getting married and having kids changed what missions looked like for me 100%. My whole day looks completely different, and sometimes I really miss how things used to be. Honestly, it was easier when decisions (mostly) just involved me. Progress was definitely much faster, and productivity was through the roof. But the heart of it all is the same: Christ is my center, and I am not working to balance a life around Him, I am working to constantly and consistently leave it all at His feet in trust and surrender.