Two Shell Casings
I found two gun shell casings in my backyard on January 1, 2021
The past two months have been a continuous roll of change: changing countries, changing jobs, changing homes, changing locations...we lived in two Airbnbs for the past two months, and finally moved into our home (rented) on December 30. So New Year’s Eve was laid back. I invited family over from 4-6pm. The girls were in bed by 8pm. I was in bed by 9:30. But I couldn’t sleep. I dozed in and out of sleep, the neighbors (the other half of the duplex) had a big, loud party. Without a clock, I still knew when New Years happened from the fireworks and other unidentifiable bangs.
I have history with unidentifiable bangs. I try to keep them unidentifiable, hoping for fireworks, knowing sometimes they are not. They become less unidentifiable when you find two gun casings in the backyard on January 1st.
It has been a bigger psycological change for me to start sleeping in my own home in the USA than I thought it was.
From traveling 14 hours to visit family for the holidays, our schedule (all of the schedules, including our sleep schedule) was out of whack. But the first couple nights in our new home held a lot of conflicting emotions as I refused to open my eyes because gosh darn it I was going to sleep.
Joy at having our own place. Peace at everything/one being united. Shock at how much change can happen in short amounts of time. Grateful for so many little pieces falling into the right places. Anxious about a million pieces that haven’t fallen yet, or gone into the right places. Anger at having to let go of so many wonderful things. Frustration at not being able to do/be many things. Grief. A lot of grief.
January 1st was lovely: a movie and all unhealthy things for breakfast, working out (trying to get on a schedule!), planning our home (how many trips to random stores for little forgotten things will it take? Why can’t I just remember to buy light bulbs and extension chords?) and lots of eating on the couch because we still don’t have kitchen chairs. Why is it so hard to find kitchen chairs?
It’s a new year folks!
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In this time of transition
I am grateful for masks
I’ve gotten to hide behind them
In some ways I feel safe behind them
I can hide so much more of my face
So much more of my emotions
My red nose and snot running from crying
Masks have been a comfort to me lately