Angst in 2011
I need you to be you
To know what you want
If you don’t, I am not going to
Figure it out for the both of us
Girls like bad boys because at least
They say what they want
Even if it isn’t anything worth having
I can say no all day
I can tease and pout and walk away
But when you are close I pull you closer
When you are far I wish you never chose her
We identify the line and look at it hard
Saying we will never cross it and leave each other scarred
But I stare at you and clarify what is mine
Like a tight rope balance I walk the line
Leaving mixed messages in your mind
It is a fun game but when it is over I find
The only one that was lied to
Was me
Stupid boy, watch you come and ruin my life
I hate you for being effortlessly perfect
I am the awkward girl who is smart enough
Not to listen to your crap that can get any girl you want
Are you just a warm body willing to let me lay beside you
And more than that, be grateful?
Am I just using you because I haven’t figured out
How long-term commitment works?
I wish I could make it feel right
Because if the world was ending tonight
I would run to your house and hold you
No, I would let you hold me
Because you do it so well
He came over tonight
“He” who isn’t anything in particular
But every once in awhile is someone who maybe could be
But not tonight
Tonight he was someone who listened
Close enough to the situation to understand
But far enough away to not have an opinion
Belonging without trying
Another language without noticing
Being without doing
Living without reporting
Laughing without apologizing
Loving without reserve
I want you to read to me again
I want to trace my finger across
your chest and feel your heartbeat
I want to look up at the ceiling
with your arm behind my neck and say nonsense things
while the sunlight pours in
There is something sacred
seeing your skin in the morning
I don’t want to learn how
to be lonely without you
You cradle my head in your chest like
It is the only thing important you have ever held
I pretend I am sleeping so you will stay a little longer
Tell me I am enchanting
Read to me and stop to get excited about what it says
Tell me that all you know of the stars is what you’ve seen in my eyes
Forget tomorrow—if I would really live today, you would be in it
“I don’t want a girlfriend right now, but if I did, you’d be first in line.”
“I am not in line for anyone. You’d have to come after me.”
I lay my head on your shoulder and we
both know that my mouth is so close to yours
I look up into your eyes and you bite my nose
“I am not in line for you—if I had wanted you, I would have had you.”
I tease a brave front
When you grabbed my hand and squeezed like that
You made everything stop, in the middle of the supermarket
I don’t know how you managed it
but I am looking into your eyes now
I move in to kiss you without thinking
but dodge last minute and kiss your clavicle instead
You’ve got me where I wanted to be with my back to you and your arm
around me as you breathe in my hair
I wear you like a seatbelt, feeling secure
I kissed him
We both knew it would happen sooner or later
As soon as we started talking about it
He looked at me and said I scared him
There is something in me that is crazy
And I am scared to let it out
“When I think about how great you will be
how much you will learn and change and grow
It is amazing. You will outgrow me.
I will only change a little bit. Not like you.
And you will grow tired of me and go on.”
When he said it
I knew it was true
I wrapped my fingers around his hair and felt like he was my little prince
Was I supposed to tame him?
I keep waiting to be heartbroken
but I don’t think I am
“How come you only give me joking kisses?”
“That is all I know.”
They leave me feeling like he isn’t for real
“Kisses say things, you know.”
Not that I know how to make them talk
They have never said what I want them to say
They always say “goodbye.”
I have very little faith in the perseverance
Of the guys who have declared their love for me
I’ve never seen it acted out half so nicely as
It was presented on paper or by words
If it is real, they say, then it is to be
If it is to be, then we don’t have to worry about it
It will happen
Oh really?
Well, it didn’t
I tell you I won’t be your girlfriend
but I kiss you goodnight
You shouldn’t have said anything until you were sure
As I laid with my head on your chest
I let one tear roll out and onto your shirt
You never saw it
For it was a beautiful thing to think maybe you were
In love with me, and maybe I was in love with you
There are dreams that don’t line up
He wants to live on a farm with a cow and a tractor with his little wifey at home
I still want to save the world, or at least get tired trying
He lives by feelings that get him drunk on Monday and hold me close on Tuesday
But he was such a beautiful thought
He said “I can see us, in the future, walking arm in arm like this,
and you are married and say you love me
Because with me it will be just pure friendship, and you will be so happy
Because he is the guy for you and the one you deserve.”
You don’t hear yourself speak
Three weeks ago, you said you were in love with me
You said if a dream is worth going after
It is worth going after with your whole heart
I’ve watched you go after things
You aren’t going after me
How painful is it to put it out there:
“I deserve for you to be better in this situation.”
Because what if he looks back and says, “no, you aren’t worth it.”
That is what lonely feels like
His eyes change when he is in love with me
Monday he wants to date
Wednesday I tell him what I need
Thursday we walk in the rain and he tells me about the street with the rabbits that come out at 3am
“What happened? I feel like I used to have you in the palm of my hand and now I am in your palm.”
Saturday we know it won’t work