Why is it so Hard to Believe You?
I remember my mom talking about one of the hardest parts of having fibromyalgia: so many people just didn’t believe her. They didn’t believe she was sick, or in pain, or that it was THAT BAD.
I remember hearing one woman after another come forward about someone taking advantage of her sexually, and how many times people commented, “That couldn’t be true, could it?”
I remember a friend pointing out something that really hurt them, and another friend responding, “But that’s not racism-they weren’t racist, they were just dumb.”
Why is it so hard for me to believe you sometimes?
Sometimes it is hard to believe someone because they disagree, or what they say disagrees with my beliefs, experiences, or opinions. If it doesn’t fit into my way of thinking, it is hard to process.
Sometimes it is hard to believe someone because if what they say is true, my life, or way of doing life just got a lot more complicated. Maybe it means I have to change my thinking, or actions, or both.
Sometimes it is hard to believe someone because unless I simplify what they are saying, I can’t help, or understand, or not feel guilty: and I really want to.
Sometimes it is hard to believe someone because I want to find a more controlable or fixable solution. If I believe them, I have to admit that it is so much more complicated and uncontrolable than I ever want to believe.
It is really hard to learn that I can believe you, and disagree
I can believe you, and come to a different conclusion
I can believe you, and not know what to do next
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It’s important to understand that you can believe that what a person is feeling is real, and disagree on why they are feeling that or what to do about it.
And most of the time: we don’t need to be the ones to tell them (especially not right then) if we disagree. There is a place in lament to just sit and wait. Sit and hold. Sit and believe that what they are feeling is real.
Even Job’s friends got this right. They saw Job and his sorrow and they sat with him for 7 days without saying anything (Job 2:13). They believed him when he said he was hurting. They just didn’t agree with WHY he was hurting- and they certainly DIDN’T give us a good example of how to do that.
Whoever said, “But you have to tell them the truth!” Probably didn’t follow through in their own marriage, parenting, or close relationships. Because eventually, there will be times when you see something someone isn’t doing right: and it just ISN’T the time to tell them. Normally, there eventually IS a time: but it takes more wisdom than I normally have to do that right.
From what I can see, there is never a time to say:
“No, you aren’t hurting.”
“No, you aren’t angry, or sad, or upset”
I would be very wary of ever saying:
“You shouldn’t be hurting because…”
“You shouldn’t be angry, or sad, or upset, because…”
Because maybe it is true, but it isn’t going help anything. Perhaps, at the right time, you could say:
“I see that you are hurting, and…”
“I see you are angry, or sad, or upset, and…”
This is what I try to use in parenting. It isn’t easy. My girls are 6 and 3.
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Believe that what they are feeling is real. Period.
Realize that most of the time there is a SPACE between believing a person is feeling what they are feeling and telling them if you disagree with why they believe they are feeling that feeling.
We could both go to the same event with the same things happening and feel two completely different things…and both be “right” in how we felt about it. The feelings were true- and different—for both of us.
Boundaries in relationships mean that we don’t go charging in all the time with our answers, solutions, and truth-telling at all hours of the day. We wait to be invited in. We wait until the person is ready to hear us. And sometimes—that time may never come. Sometimes we realize we the ones who were wrong.
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Let’s say I saw a couple making out and both of them looked like they were having fun. Later, the girl comes to me and says she felt sexually abused. She never said no, but she never said yes, and felt pressured to do something she never wanted to do. How do I hold in my hands her feelings of abuse, as well as that the guy had zero idea of the pressure, and honestly thought they both had a great time?
First, I believe her that she feels abused. I comfort her and make sure that she can get better help than I can give because I am not a professional counselor or therapist or a professional in any area of abuse.
Do I condemn him of abuse and label him a predator? That’s hard to know. I may disagree with her conclusions or how she feels is the best way to deal with it: but it may or may not be the time to tell her that. I can lament with her without having the same follow through or solution.
When my Black friend stiffens when a police officer comes by, and I do not- do I say my friend is wrong or the police officer is wrong? First, I can believe my friend that she is scared. I can believe that she has just cause to be scared because of past experiences she has had.
But I do not need to believe that the police officer is scary, or about to hurt me.
It isn’t easy to listen, hear, and hold seemingly opposite beliefs, opinions, and experiences in your hands. But the other options are not acceptable: either denying the hurt and pain - because it isn’t my hurt and pain- or condemning someone who is often unrelated or ignorant of the pain caused.
There are times when it is straight up racism or abuse or whatever else, and truth needs to be spoken into the situation immediately, with a clear victim and clear predator. But I think the line is often more blurry than most like to admit.
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We are called to lament, to “Weep with those who weep.”
It is a lesson I am still learning. It has taken me so long to listen, and not fix my husband. To believe him when he needs things I don’t need. To wait until he asks me to help him “fix it.”
You know what I have learned doesn’t help? Telling him he is wrong to feel that. Telling him that no, he really doesn’t need what he just said he needed. Explaining how I can do it better.
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I have been in a season of lament. Do you know the hardest part? When I share my lament with some people, and they tell me that I shouldn’t be lamenting.
When they tell me that my lamenting is a waste of time. When they tell me my lament is “fake news.” Some have even said my lament is wrong and untrue.
Most people didn’t say it like that to me personally: they just said it in how they responded to other people lamenting to similar things. Or when other people were angry about similar things. And I was watching. I learned a lot. I learned that my feelings are not safe around those people.
That hurts a lot. And I know it isn’t what those people meant to do: but they did.
I hope we are brave enough to put our own solutions to the side for a minute, and just sit with others in their pain. I hope we are strong enough to believe them, and from there, wait until we are invited into further action. Maybe we will have time to learn something as we wait.