The Dark Space to Slide Into

No one saw me tear up as I slid into the back seat of the Kombi with five others. Two kids slid into their mother’s lap leaving a dark space for me to sink into. It was such a familiar place. The nostalgia was so loud in my ears. No one noticed it meant so much to me. No one knew me. As it should be. Slipping into silence, my phone off and no one able to call me out of my revery. I got to see five of my nine girls. Walking in the rain, wondering if I was a bit crazy, but isn’t that how I’d like to live more of my life? I saw their dog. So many things don’t change. I gave them our Christmas card. They know all my family who’ve come over the years. I gave them some small trinkets, we chatted and I took pictures. Some things never change. Josefa saw me and came running out. Yesterday she was my flower girl and now she is taller than me. I needed a million people to pull off that wedding, and I had them. It is like every corner of Brazil there is a memory pulling at my shirt for attention. I am so grateful for good choices and living a life worth re-visiting. There are no regrets hiding to jump out at me. Not all the memories are happy, but they’ve had time to mellow out into being good.

I am ready to go home now. Maybe it is because I am sick. Maybe it’s because it’s been 17 days. Maybe it’s because God is always faithful to remind me that:

A.     I love Brazil. This place reminds me of the best of me and who I always want to strive to be

B.     I am supposed to be in the USA with my family

Every year God confirms these two things. Every year I am grateful and surprised. I’ve spent a lot of time in Brazil looking at the sky. I like that. That is who I am.