Letter to a New Missionary Mommy
Dear New Missionary Mommy,
You and your family are leaving home to go on a mission for Jesus. That makes you a missionary. This new life will effect every part of your life and every roll that you have: woman, daughter, friend, wife, mom. You are a missionary mommy. Part of leaving well is being sent, and you have a strong support system sending you: your family, your church, your friends. But it is important to realize that your relationships with your support system will change, and you will never again be on the same page as they are (like you were before). Not only this, but all of these changes are happening for your daughter too (and your husband, but that is another conversation).
To take one thing (your mission), you have to let go of something else (stability/sameness). We can do anything in this life—but we can’t do everything we want to do. Some things are always sacrificed to make others succeed. This isn’t a good or bad thing, it is just a different and hard thing. Leaving opens up a million doors and choices and growth you never would have dreamed of having otherwise: but it also tears apart the “Home court advantage” (feelings of safety, security, and belonging) we were born with.
I am so glad that you have embraced this mission whole-heartedly, as your own calling, and not just your husbands.But we both know that leaving home is a crazy hard thing that isn’t worth it if God isn’t in it. Now for the hard work of making it real. These are the things I wish for you to know and do:
Find new friends and a life that feeds your soul. Missions work takes. it requires you to give and give and will continue to take even after you are done being able to give. You have to set the boundaries and find time to be filled up and restored in healthy, normal rhythms.
It is okay (and important) to move on and let go. You don’t get to be the same person doing the same things anymore: the culture is different, the people are different. Let God write a new chapter—His way—and don’t feel like you are losing yourself because your identity is and always was in Him. You can’t stay the same person for the people back home—you have to let go.
Things will change a lot (over and over) and you will never be the same person as you were before you left. Your support system (especially family) will have to grieve and let go of you and who you used to be. You can’t control how they react to you leaving—some will be fine, some won’t. When you live with them, they get the first and best of you. When you leave, they get the leftovers, and that is painful.
Find new ways to connect and commicate with your support system. Each person will have “their way” to connect with you and it is important to learn and invest in those ways of showing love to them. But also know how to prioritize, because you can’t connect with everyone as you focus on your new life and mission.
Create a NEW support system wherever you go. Because remember: you have to get all your crap together so you can help your daughter through this whole process too. The two main things I have heard over and over to do are:
a. Make new traditions with your core family: how you celebrate holidays, special times, even just morning/bed times. You control and create what normal looks like for your family. You can’t wait to celebrate or vacation when you “go home.” This is your life now.
b. Prepare for transitions: change means letting go. Letting go means grieving and saying goodbye. Grieving and saying goodbye means putting words to the change. Write/talk/pray about and realize what is happening during change—for you, and then talk and LISTEN and help your daughter to process too.
You are changing your life and your daughters life forever. Even if you return home in a couple of years and live 90% of your life in one place, that 10% of you will always make you a bit different. It is the same thing with your daughter: she will never feel quite on the “same page” with those around her. She also doesn’t have the maturity to understand all of this on her own, and needs your help to find the words and work through the feelings. Remember, she isn’t choosing all of this: you chose it for her. That can be hard, but working through it can also grow her in ways she never would have learned otherwise.
Your daughter is now a third culture kid. She is a mixture of (1) your original culture, plus where you move to (2) culture, all put into her own blend, creating the 3rd culture. This mix will not be the same as yours (or your husbands). She is the only one who can figure it out for herself. Read and learn all you can to help her on her journey.
Your life, and your daughter’s life, will always be full of goodbyes. You will always be leaving someone: leaving family to go on mission, or leaving the mission (and those who become family) to go to your original family. Saudades will be your companion for the rest of your life. But isn’t that just another picture of how we are never really home until we get to heaven?
**
So welcome to this new “club” of missionary mommies. If you ever need to talk or rant or cry or laugh (or all at once), know that I am here. I am working through all of these things myself. I still have questions, and sometimes I still wonder if it is worth the high cost, especially for my own daughters. But God leads us on, and we follow.
Love, Rachel