Burn out Ugly

If the pandemic hadn’t come along when it did, I would have burnt out something ugly.

The general rule in missions (and ministry) seems to be that you pull it together to get it done. There is always so much to do, always one more thing, and most seasons of life add in a couple extra emergencies. So you pull it together and you get it done. Then you sit there panting and trying to get your breath and pray to God that the next season hold a little more rest. And sometimes it does.

Sometimes you get to catch up and refresh. But most of the time it doesn’t. You just hope the particular stress flexes a different muscle so not all muscles are sore at once. Especially in missions, where the workers are few.

It isn’t just about choosing the good things: it’s about everything being really necessary and if you don’t get it done, it just doesn’t get done: or worse, it falls to the other overworked people on your team instead.

In February 2020, it was the first time in 17 years serving here that I said no. That I looked at my life and curled up into myself every time I saw what was being asked of me. Something deep inside realized I couldn’t do it this time. It was a horrible feeling, but a bit freeing at the same time. The responsibilities that I did accept were still overwhelming: I’d said no, but too late and too little. The backload was catching up to me.

I didn’t want to use the term ‘burn out.’ It felt like I had to reserve that for a level 10 event, and I was still at an 8. But we always seem to count ourselves a bit off, don’t we? When the pandemic hit, it took the first month just to unwind my heart enough to really breathe. It was no ones fault, we all use a broken system in a broken world.

There have been a lot of really hard, horrible things that have happened because of the pandemic, but If it hadn’t come along when it did, I would have burnt out something ugly.